Moving on

Written: February 15, 2013

Being in a pit of losing someone/breaking up is never easy. Whatever the reason is and whether you or the other party wanted or asked for it, being on the tail of a sunken relationship can twist your whole world upside down. It can sometimes generate varieties of painful and upsetting feelings.

Maybe some people are just not good in being detached with others who they learned to put their trust and invest their feelings into. Even the strongest person saddens when someone very close to them chose to depart or suddenly left them. And we can never mastered or expertise that composure whenever someone decided to put their lives away from us. But why? Why are humans so sentimental? So disturbed and overly aware of self-emotions. So unreasonable at times that we tend to be selfish; always thinking of our own selves and egos. 

Let me list down some of the common reasons why most of us find it very/extremely hard to get back on their feet after a break-up;

1. Customary practice. They say humans are habitual individuals. When we do it twice or thrice, we tend to do it occassionally thus adopting it as a hobby. Being away from people who routinarily awakes us at morning, cooks for us during meals and kisses us goodnight before we sleep is truly an abyss situation to overcome.

2. Hopelessly hopeful. The adage "miracles happen everyday" and entertaining the idea that people can change in one click is a huge challenge and people involved find it amazingly challenging to test themselves on how far their patience can take them.

3. One of a kind. When we were deeply in love, we overlook faults. And so we settle for everything and anything that can make them stay, regardless of its hardness. And when they left us, we still are blinded by the lists of what makes them unique and wonderful in our shaded love.

4. Lost trust. When a friend betrayed us, it's not that easy to give our trust again, what more if that person is the one who we gave up everything for? It's the feeling of being betrayed a million times adding to the fact that our efforts were not reciprocated well. 

5. Excessive change. In a budding relationship, it is just fair to adjust in a way that you will be both convenient and happy. Sometimes we change a lot for our partner that we tend to forget our own selves and what we truly were before. And so we cannot easily bring back that old "us" even after that partner strayed away from us. Everybody has gone through something or been with someone that has changed them in a way that they could never go back to the person they once were.

6. Irony of opposite emotions. There will be a moment in your moving on process, mostly on the first stage, when you keep on recalling everything that happened between the two of you. The adventures, the sacrifices, the fun and the compatibility that you have established during the tenure of your relationship.  And how can you ever forget that famous "magic" moment when your eyes collide and your whole world just stopped spinning? It is always on the highest level of difficulty trying to forget your special someone who you've built a lot of memories with, not to be left behind but to be remembered. And just maybe the time for you to let go of the memories is not now.

Been there done that. I  know all of us in one way or the other have survived a lot of letting go in every aspect of our lives. And the best that we can do is just provide time enough time to heal whatever element of you that has been wounded over the broken bond. Looking back at those memories are bitter sweet thoughts. And the bottom line of all of these is just one thing, a simple end-all reason of all reasons why we can't let go of that person is because despite the fact that thinking of them makes us sad, it is still the very thing that makes us happy.

Regrets

LIVING A LIFE OF REGRETS.

Written: February 04, 2013

Being positive. Always dream big. Cheer up and smile.

My life has never been the same all the time. Though working 9 am to 6 pm has been a routine, everything else is still different. Every day of my life I encounter things that make me hold back. Things that scare me to death. And so I have always dream of soaring high and leave the mediocre island that I am in but always a struggle.  “Always” that can possibly lead to “forever”.

What’s wrong with me? What have I done wrong in life that makes me suffer this hard and morbid? My life is a tough one to live. Or was I the one making it hard for myself to survive?

They say regret arises when you haven’t done anything when your heart and soul wanted to do so. That’s another thing apart from the issue of having done mistakes and escape from it? Or started at the wrong foot, failed to correct it and so leaving you without a choice but to live a life of errors.

A life of regrets.

When you’re troubled, a lot of what-if’s will rise as if you have a choice at that moment of deciding.

Susceptibility is the mother of life-changing decisions. Once you get aware of what’s going on, you’d realize some flaws, blunders and loopholes.  And then you’ll come up with that thing called “change”.

I always follow what I want in life. Regardless of the rules and standards we all have to go through, I know for a fact that trailing on the path where my heart is has been the truest and safest decree to live on.

 Regret is a hunter and all of us can be a victim. A prey that will never attain peace of mind.  It tracks you in any place it can see a chance of harming you. But the worst crime you could ever commit in this world is your self-refusal of achieving all your long-life desires by holding back and being petrified to make a shot. Failing to pursue your heart’s aspirations is a sure defeat whereas taking the first attempt to try is already a half-way victory.

Palanca letter = high school days

Palanca is a spanish word which literally means “lever”.  To give lift or to rise. It serves as an encouragement as if you are lifting a retreatant’s soul like sending good luck reminding them you are praying for them while you’re on your retreat. It  is more often send in the form of a prayer.  The palanca is not actually the letter but the action. It’s what you do (writing them) that moves and encourages them within the presence of God.
When I was in high school, I used to experience retreat a lot of times. Starting on my 1^st year of secondary school, our school held numerous mandatory religious retreats , may it be within or outside Metro Manila. Of course, we were always praying the location will somehow be out of town or farther than the previous year.  As a kid we were interfered by the excitement of going out and having fun with classmates who are also friends, than praying with them.
I think 90% of my high school  pals will agree with me that we enjoy this primarily because this is the perfect moment to bond with each other, sleep together, having fun like an outing that we almost forget that we were there to pray then eat and then pray again. And one of the highlights and exciting part before going to retreat is sending and receiving those “palanca letters”.  Some letters  are brief and straight to the point with just a simple “good luck” inside. Others were as long as novelas as if you’ll be gone for years or entering the convent as a monk... Others were sweet notes but came from a crush which makes it the best and well-kept among others. I can say that I was looking forward receiving and writing palanca letters from people of all levels of importance to me and me to them.
Years have passed but still I kept each palanca letter I had before inside my pandora’s box. They were living memories of my high school and teenage years.
And those palanca letters were never an ordinary letters written by ordinary individuals. They were written by people close to me and no matter how short, sweet, touching or simple the messages are, the thought that someone is supporting and praying for me while I’m there “lifts” me and draws me closer to God by the power of prayer .
How ‘bout you? Did you also experience having palanca letters?
 

Epitaph

Have you ever asked yourself what epitaph to write on your tombstone when you die?

As I’m taking pleasure in relaxing last night, my attention has been snatched by a news on TV about the mass shooting of a drug addict on a neighborhood in Cavite City. Eleven civilians died while a lot of people were injured.  Everyone was inexorable.  And all of that was just because of a “trip” of a certain person drown to drugs. And then I whispered behind my head, how fast we could all die! One blunder of someone can stop the life of another. One means of a person’s enjoyment hooked on drugs can be a slaughter for a lot of people in a community. Anyone can be a victim, anytime and in any place…

How can we escape this so-called “death”? How are we prepared for it and how can we possibly accept  with readiness when none of us wants to die? I suddenly recall ideas in my head when I thought about “epitaph” on a trip on All Saints Day 2010 to Tarlac for a visit with my brother-in-law’s deceased members of the family. From one cemetery to another; I even thought it was a reunion. How can I stop my mind from being open and vague to imaginations?

I wonder why only famous people contain epitaphs on their graves. Can’t ordinary people put their final say on their tombstone? It pinched my attention from roving my eyes around the trees and mountains alongside the area as we passed through Hacienda Luisita coming home that day. And suddenly I asked myself what’s the best to carve on my own tombstone? I want something so special, an inscription that will summarize my stay on earth. How I want to be remembered when I die? The works I have done and accomplished? My sayings and grown-up beliefs? The character I want people to recall when they think of me.

Lines came to me as we trail on the expressway…

Maybe I should say, “thanks to friends who enjoyed my stay and also to the enemies who can’t wait for this day".  I laughed at myself while thinking of my loved ones’ reaction after reading that. Or perhaps a better line could be “see you soon.” I have thought of a lot of things to say like “here comes the body of a girl who loves night but scared of sleeping” or “finally this girl will sleep longer than 5 hours”, “those who want to come with me here, text text na lang”. Now I’m laughing my heart out but nobody seems to figure out why! LOL… “Sorry for being pale, death failed to request an appointment” or “I was always ready to die, however, people around me left unprepared“  or yet “sorry for the short notice”. I have considered a lot of entertaining lines which simply describes me. “Due to the constraints of time, I wasn’t able to coordinate with you regarding this event" or “Some people wish they can have part two, well I don’t”. “This girl has been very excited meeting her maker, she refused to wake up”. I can also use it to describe myself like “the explorer who refused to rest and eat, now dies tired” or  “the girl who never missed a gathering will now miss her own”. On a serious note, these also entered my mind. “Fragile emotions, brave heart” and “the date of my birth and death is unessential; my epitaph is the interval between them”. 

But before we went home that night, I have come up with I think the best thing that can ever describe me:

“The girl who always looks for thrill in ordinary, finds courage in fear, strives appreciation in emptiness and hits life in trying.”

What about you? What lines would you want to leave the world when you die? Share that here and leave the world with question...

No fear for New year

The past year, 2012 has been a year of “struggle” for me. A lot of problem arises, have embraced and solved them all as much as I can. Family problems, love life matters, work-related concerns and self issues… All of that has contributed to my growth as a more responsible person now.

One of the complicated things I encountered on the first quarter of 2012 was “stress”. I really can’t handle it well at first, but realizing that I have a lot of fall backs to rely on, I finally made whip those barricades away.  Travelling has been one of the major factors why I still maintain my sane despite disasters of the previous year. Middle of my year was ok. We traveled a lot.  Even on a stormy day, we managed to travel to Laguna, Tanay, etc. just because we wanted adventure… Last quarter of 2012 was a bit shaky and challenging. Family problems never cease to pain my head. But I maintained my composure amidst everything. I knew I can make it all through the help of God!

Counting problems without setting your fingers on your blessings is like overlooking God’s gifts. If we only knew how to take care of every little thing He has been giving us since day 1, one can spend a lifetime praising and thanking him. As I said once before, I really feel the divine intervention helping me all throughout my journey. Every time I need something as life requires me, I can always look for a silver lining to cope up. I really feel God loves me. And I want you to feel that too.

Celebrated it with my loved ones is priceless. Something I can never ever exchange with anything else.  As expected, I tried to end the previous Dragon year 2012 with a puff! And I really know and feel and believe that I can have my two thumbs up for this new year 2013. 

Questions of Faith

Last Saturday night, I was able to watch Bottomline of Mr. Boy Abunda. It has been one of the few shows I am so eager to watch every weekend night if I’m home. And their guest is Mr. Red Tani, founder of the Filipino freethinkers. An atheist. The moment I heard of the guest and his background, with brows raised, I thought to myself that I won’t sleep til I hear the conversation. I knew it would be an interesting one. More interesting to hear what a person who do not believe in the existence of God has in his mind, how he would answer, etc. At first, I expected a monster-like human being who knows nothing about God and kindness. But on the contrary, he was actually friendly and objective. I got his point at the middle of the show. It took me a while to assess where he is coming from. Isn’t he afraid to die and be buried in hell? As he said, he do not believe in any supernatural being. “God is us.” No God help people but people help each other. That’s his point. I can say that I was impressed with the way he handled questions. Moreover, I wonder how he ‘s able to handle judgments every day of his life? He seems nice and even said that his belief is somehow provisional and will change soon as he sees evidences of God’s existence. My impression? A very brave and smart man who knows himself, what he wants and how to stand up for what he chooses to believe in.

Very ironically, after a few hours of sleep that night, I decided to watch “Bayaning 3^rd World” as I woke up the next morning. This has been my long time plan of watching that CD which keeps on littering our dvd stand for months, forgive me for having less or no time to watch movies, at all. “Bayaning 3^rd World” is good, I was entertained and informed of a lot of things. The making of a prospective movie but don’t know where and how to start. They even tackle and “question” Rizal’s retraction if he really indeed signed a retraction to marry Josephine Bracken. Asper catholic History accounted by friars that time, Rizal decided to reconcile with the church. Josephine Bracken also claimed the same convincing everyone that she became rizal’s wife the day before his execution. But what’s the proof? J. Bracken didn’t sign any marriage contract due to time constraint. Isn’t that too complicated?

The question of whether our national hero retracted or he stayed mason until his death will be an unending battle of historians, debators and even ordinary blogger like me. J

I don’t know why but I saw some connection between what I watched last Saturday at the Bottomline (interview with Red Tani, an atheist) and study of retraction of our national hero (Dr. Jose Rizal). They shared a common sentiment. A skeptical thinking leading them to the thought that “to see is to believe” and a strong disposition of beliveing in the power of human being.

Philippines is a democratic country. A free-thinking nation. Absolute rule in our constitution is the right to choose any religion. But whatever actions we do regarding our own belief is never absolute. We are being regarded with our actions. So, does that make any sense in them saying that we, the people are the God of our own world? We help each other; we reach out together; and in the end we will all die along with other people....

I guess our beliefs define us. Not our doings per se, but what we are as an individual. We are the sole responsible of our actions and whether we have our God or we choose to rely on ourselves is a question of faith that will be answered not only by words, but more by our deeds.

Observing these two co-related stories, I must say that having an imaginative and whimsical mind gives one a lot of room for questions. Leading me to thinking that maybe, just maybe the mere reason why the apple(forbidden fruit) at the garden of Eden is that fruit called “knowledge”.

1st Half

It’s been a while since I last shook my head, sit back and do this thing called “blogging”... L And my favorite alibi? Can’t access my old blogging site. Toinks. That’s why I was forced  to come up with a new one, or else a life without blogging forever. ^(#$@$*()@*. And I must admit I always get lazy and procastinate everytime I think i’ll be starting a new blog site without anything on it to start on?

Well, everything has its “first- times” and all things must start with FIRST. Right? Well, not quite sure if I made sense there... :PPP

If you do want to read my former blogsite which has been hacked by no other than my confusion, hehe, here’s the link http://mysseddessy.blogspot.com/

Since it’s already half of the year,  aside from the fact that it’s payday and I know my wallet will get a little bigger and I can eat foods I craved for the passed 15 days, I think it would not be a sin to start this site with a summary of what happened to me for the 1st half of this year.

A lot of first time’s in my life also happened this year. I get to travel to different areas of our country and also had events which I never experienced before.

JANUARY

It’s my first time to attend the Chinese New Year, the Dragon Dance and the parade of Filipino-Chinese Community. It’s like I am in Hongkong or in Beijing or better yet, in Singapore! Who can say that I am just in the midst of Manila, specifically in Binondo when tiny-eyed typical chinese looking people covers the whole area. Seeing Mr. Mike “Hindi ko kayo tatantanan” Enriquez, going to the comfort room at Binondo Church. If I were not in a very light mood and really can’t wait my turn to pee, I might not be able to give respect and let him use the restroom first (the church only has one universal CR, both for boys and girsl). I even greeted him but too shy to ask if I can get a picture of us. The shy-type me striked again. L He did the “SAKSI” news live coverage of the traditional Chinese New Year at Binondo.

FEBRUARY

I have always been a traveller of my own pace, having spontaneous DIY trips with so little time to prepare, mostly last minute I can hardly choose the best clothes and things to pack. Hayys, very expert in cramming. Hehe. The first weekend of February, I went to Anawangin Cove to see what’s in there. I always see this place during getaway shows, or in reality shows where they will taped a few not-so-easy-but-not-so-hard challenges. Maybe because of this refreshing view, the mangroves at the back of the shore, white sand lying through a pure blue beach. It made me wanna go to different islands all my life.  Power is not present here and once your feet landed their white sand after stepping off at a 20-minute boat ride, you must make sure that you already have everything in you, or  at least those that you really needed and can’t survive a night without.  I will do a separate blog of this place later on.

MARCH

“I wanna go back to the Island called Boracay”... That’s a song that ever since I heard it being played in MUSIC UPLATE LIVE, it never left my mind as a line I always sing but in reality, it is not for me. Why? Because I have never been to Boracay.... Hehe. How can you go back if you haven’t been there in the first place... Harhar..  L So I really made time to go here. And at last I was able to stepped on that ever famous Island of Caticlan. I enjoyed every bit of being there. Had my tatoo (flaming guitar), just henna though, bought some souvenirs for family and officemates “kahit puting buhangin, dalhan mo ako ah” echo their voices that keeps rewinding inside me. I also visited  Kalibo Church (Sto. Nino Parish) and went to BAKHAWAN ECO PARK featuring their long forestry of mangroves. I can proudly say that I maximized my stay here in Aklan though we only had 2 nights and 3 days. Now in reality, I can finally sing freely that line “I wanna go back to the island called Boracay”...

APRIL

In my previous site, I made an entry there about Semana Santa. Just so you know, aside from giving myself a long vacation, holy week has been one of the most meaningful time of the year for me. In my past, I did the Visita Iglesia, attended the mass as early as 4 am to watch the traditional “Salubong” where in my childhood years, I was once a participant as an angel who sings when Mother Mary and the Resurrected  Jesus Christ finally met. This time, I thought of seeing the actual senakulo, with real people being nailed on the cross. I wanna know how will I feel after seeing that. And so very early of Good Friday, we went directly to Cutud, San Pedro, Pampanga. We went to Mt. Arayat, also located in Pampanga to do my own “penitensya” afterwards. Physical sacrifice as I may call it. Once again, I will write the whole story of this Cutud and Mt. Arayat holy week expedition in the near future. J

MAY

Forget out of town trips first for this month I was very busy helping my bestfriend with her wedding. She didn’t hire any coordinator for she wanted to do it all by herself, well with me as someone who made the invitation, accompanies her to the couturier of her gown and the whole entourage, checked-in with her at the hotel the night before her big night, and being with her on the bridal car on the day itself.  Being Maid of Honor was never a joke. You have to be there every step of the bride. Tiring but fulfilling. Knowing you made your bestfriend happy by making her big day memorable and an easier one is something that truly brings honor to the Maid of Honor. J 

JUNE

Back to being “DORA” as the one who always explore; I went to Bicol specifically to Legazpi, Albay. Took the epic “zipline” at the Lignon Hill with Mt. Mayon as a background. We were quite unfortunate for the Mt. Mayon is so timid that time. Its cone is not so perfect to look at for it was covered by clouds. Blame it on the weather or blame it on the one who planned the whole trip. Whoelse, but of course, me! It’s hard going there despite so many news of low pressure area that time. Still we enjoyed the Zipline and the Hanging Bridge that is quite long and challenging. Thank God we have harness so when everything went unlucky for us, we won’t be falling our corpse down that hill. An old lady accompanied us inside the Japanese tunnel. I did spelunking before with some caves here in Luzon but this time, I got goosebumps when I suddenly saw a man-like lying inside wearing a military suite and a Japanese flag. It really looked like a real japanese soldier and I was in a cinematic lookback of the World War II. Now I feel my hair standing so still..  Witnessed the Cagsawa Ruins and at last the Mt. Mayon on its perfect cone while we were in Embarcadero, a mall in the heart of Legazpi, Albay.

Afterthoughts of  what and where I have been through during the past 6 months of 2012? I can say that I really am an adventure lover.  I am also thinking If i can just convert this into a travel journal instead of a personal blog??? Though I know its something I am so dream of doing for the rest of my life, which is travelling and writing at the same time, both are hard-wired part of me that I can’t just take away, it will not be so easy for I am sitting  eight hours a day, 6 days a week here at the office apparently working for the company and needless to say, “blogging is restricted”. Now I suddenly thought of looking around for someone might be reading behind my back as I jot this down. Hehe..   Whether you can afford to travel far or just here at nearby places, the important thing is you explore. You do things out of the usual, giving yourself some boost for accomplishing something extra-ordinary. Also, gaining experiences and lessons as you go home from a journey. And as we grow older, we may run out of money and wealth, but the memories we did in the past will definitely stays forever. Filling our minds with knowledge and hearts with joy lying beneath those unforgettable and challenging moments as long as we live. Leaving you with a very true old saying  that “TRAVEL IS THE ONLY THING YOU BUY THAT MAKES YOU RICHER”... J